65+ Years Old: Maturity, Integrity and Wisdom

“The real question is, what does it mean to live to full effect? How do you know if you are fulfilling your time, or wasting it?”

 

These days, all my sixtysomething friends seem to be taking care of aging parents. Too many — most of them male — are fighting serious health issues of their own. They are tough old boots, all of them.

 

With the help of our knowledge bank, you can choose for variations in your new neighborhood by:

But to zero in on the best place for you you’ll have to visit and schedule time to explore potential new homes in a region.

Oh, darn!

The final installment in a 9-part Life Stage series:

Part One:  She’s Leaving Home, Not Living Alone (Buy Buy)

Part Two:  Failing at Growing Up

Part Three:  Love, Marriage, Baby Carriage, or …

Part Four:  Crisis and Pivots for 28 -32 Year Olds

Part Five:  Making It – Ages 30 – 38

Part Six:  Authenticity Crisis for 35 – 45 Year Olds

Part Seven:  Renewal or Resignation in Your Mid-40s

Part Eight: 55 Year Olds- Millennials and Empty Nests

So there’s this generation that used to be all that.

The one born between 1946, beginning nine months after World War II ended and 1964 more or less.

Look it up, but the number stuck in my brain is about 75 or 78 million.

They used to dominate all those demographic lifestyle segments advertising executives drooled over.

They were the Millennials of their time.

A time so long ago …

Turning 60

Chris Erskine. Meanwhile, many of my friends are turning 60, and though I have a long way to go till I reach that particular benchmark (six months), witnessing so many milestones at once can really take a toll on a fella.

“You’re turning 60?” I always tell my friends.

“That’s just so great!!!”

Really?!!

Integrity or Despair

Erik Erikson’s last and eighth developmental stage is called Maturity.

Approximate Age: Maturity ( 65 – death)

Significant Relationship: Mankind, my kind

Existential Question:  Is it okay to have been me?

Examples: Reflection on life

Psychosocial Crisis: Integrity vs. Despair

Virtues: Wisdom

A lot of stuff comes with approaching the traditional retirement age.

That age when Erskine’s generation viewed their parents living their second half of life – the Golden Years – with a pension, receiving monthly social security checks and picking up divots on a par five in Sarasota, Florida as boring.

A given.

But, now not so much.

And tomorrow, probably not at all.

Entering Act III with Doctors and Adult Kids

Daditude: The Joys & Absurdities of Modern Fatherhood by Chris Erskine

Turning sixty is a weird time, Erskine says, for him and his friends.

A time when they look back to times they spent when they were younger.

A time when their kids were younger.

I sometimes wish our kids were all 10 again, how that period was a holiday season all its own; it was magical, finite and flew by too fast.

A time when the kids needed coaching and rough housing.

A time when the parents had to remind them about chores and unfinished homework.

Now things are just different.

Erskine.  “Truth is, I find this a weird time for me and my buddies.

Most of our children are now adults, working for tyrants, finding their way.

That’s just how the real world works.

Erskine’s friend puts what’s different into perspective for him – like a three act screen play.

Act I ends with college graduation.

Act II ends with the empty nest.

“Act III,” my buddy Siskin calls it.

So now, most of us are entering Act III.

Ask any writer, Act II is the toughest.

The middle of any story meanders, drifts, struggles and is often the death of art itself.”

Wisdom and Life Acceptance

Erskine’s writes about what comes with the Act III territory.

Coming to grips with what it means when you’ve reached the last chapter of your life.

When retirement is approaching or has already taken place.

Stories about “Is it okay to have been me?”

And other reflections on life.

Examples of leaving the second half of adulthood and embarking on maturity.

Erikson (at least the Wikipedia version) describes what happens.

“Ego-integrity means the acceptance of life in its fullness: the victories and the defeats, what was accomplished and what was not accomplished.

Wisdom is the result of successfully accomplishing this final developmental task.

Wisdom is defined as “informed and detached concern for life itself in the face of death itself.””

Erskine reflects on a book review, a memoire written about turning 60.

Erskine. “Like a pro athlete just retired, he seems pretty convinced that most of life’s good times are behind him.

Likewise, there is very little chirpy, New Age navel-gazing to his writing.

His mind is keen and active, and his pages are full of fine references to poets and artists who he knows also dealt with the minefield of late middle age.

Erskine says the book takes on topics like his love life, physical changes, marriage struggles with, family relations brother and more.

He speaks of his existential crises:

“The real question is, what does it mean to live to full effect?

How do you know if you are fulfilling your time, or wasting it?

Fulfillment  or Despair, Depression and Hopelessness

As we grow older and become senior citizens, according to Erikson’s theory, we tend to slow down our productivity and explore life as a retired person.

It is during this time through retrospection that we look back to contemplate our accomplishments and are able to develop integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life.

If so we develop feelings of contentment and integrity if we believe we have led a happy, productive life.

But if we see our life as unproductive, or feel that we did not accomplish our life goals, we become dissatisfied with life and develop despair, often leading to depression and hopelessness.

Instead of contentment, we  may instead develop a pervasive sense of despair when we recall a life of disappointments and unachieved goals.

This stage can occur out of the sequence when an individual feels they are near the end of their life (such as when receiving a terminal disease diagnosis).

Stage 4 Cancer

Erskine.  “Well, the doctors had said “cancer, Stage 4,” so I suppose Posh was a little desperate.

Chris Erskine at the Los Angeles Times

I was there to help, and eager as a dumb puppy.

I didn’t feel responsible for her cancer, just every other challenge in her life: the plain little ranch house, the minivan with the “check-engine” light aglow, the dryer that kept scorching the shirts.

Most of all, a topsy-turvy marriage.

Like taking on the day in and day out responsibilities of caring for an aging parent Erskine’s normal routine dramatically  changed.

And he was the funny one.

Churning out humorous weekly syndicated essays about what it was like living in the Los Angeles suburbs with four children during his own middle age years.

Bad as all that was, she had cancer, which is worse than about anything else that can ever happen.

How could I gripe about the missing tax records — or anything — when she was enduring injections, transfusions, lab tests, fatigue, nausea and hair loss?

A good day was one where they didn’t poke her with a 4-inch needle.

Traditional retirement age used to be 65, but not so much any more.

So depending upon your situation, it may be easier to start the countdown process five years before you expect to retire.

Will it be 70 or 75 or 55?

These recommendations will still hold up.

You pick the time when you want retirement to start and work backwards to the time left.

Seriously, do this.

You know you put a lot of time and effort into planning your annual vacations.

So, put in the same time and energy into a project that protects your nest egg and well-being with piece of mind.

Erskine. “Meanwhile, my friends and I are at a more bittersweet stage, with five or so years left in our careers.

Every conversation has started to include talk of doctors.

Any car we buy might be our last.

Pre-Retirement Countdown

Time Left Before Retiring – Five Years

Finances: 

Take a stab at answering The Big Question: Will you  have saved enough to retire in five years?

Erskine.  Which one of you handles the finances?” the advisor asked.

From Posh, a sideways glance.

“Money does,” Posh said.

“Who’s Money? the advisor asked.

“We call my husband ‘Money,'” Posh explained, “but he’s sooooo not.

Lifestyle:  

How you and your spouse wish to spend time in retirement.

Take an inventory of your past and current interests, hobbies and activities.

One of the mentors in our Executive MBA program told me he wrote a book and set up his consulting practice, because so much golf and so much traveling didn’t cut it any more.

Estate Planning:

Make sure you have a will, an appointed power-of-attorney, health-care directives and an estate plan.

Otherwise, someone else will be calling the shots and siphoning off your hard-earned savings.

Time Left Before Retiring – Four Years

Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Finances:

Start thinking about Social Security. Talk to your financial advisor.  Check out all the tools and resources on the Social Security Administration’s website.

Lifestyle:

Start exploring your ideas.

Erskine.  “Oh, I jest because after living here for nearly 30 years, I love L.A. and its open minds … its empty minds, and every now and then, its very brilliant minds.

In L.A., you’ll run across the smartest people you’ll ever meet, and they’ll probably be driving for Uber.

Still, it is a magnificent and inspiring place — America’s shining city on a hill.

For active Millennials, Gen-Xers, Baby Boomers, and well everyone else living in California the high cost of living, taxes and congested living conditions in and around Los Angeles pushes “Golden Staters” like Erskine to actively consider moving.

But …

You’d have to move to Monaco to find mountains this close to beaches, or wild animals this close to ingénues.

In the foothills, we keep black bears as pets.”

Potential outbound movers need to draw up a bucket list of best places that offsets living near the Pacific Ocean and local mountains.

Start with the no- or low-tax states and carefully weigh the tradeoffs.

A quality-of-life resort community may be so remote that it lacks adequate healthcare locally, for instance.

Erskine’s advice for potential inbound vacationers-turned-residents?

“If you live right, most of the time you will have seawater in your hair.

Most of the year, your bare feet will have a leathery bottom, as if it is always summer.

It isn’t.

Densely Populated Urban Neighborhoods

All that “endless summer” stuff comes from the ’50s and ’60s.

The bohemian vibe from that time is slipping away, quashed by gentrification and surprisingly long work weeks.

If you’re considering relocating, research the communities you’re interested in.

In addition to Claritas and City-data.com you may want to add helpful resources  like: Relocationessentials.com, NeighborhoodScout.com and RetirementLiving.com.

Time Left Before Retiring – Three Years

Lifestyle:

If you plan to relocate, start visiting communities on your short bucket list.

Don’t have a short list yet?

Southwest United States – Wikitravel

Take a look at these western towns with seven 65+ lifestyles that might just get your started:

Arizona: Elgin

California: Palm Desert, Eureka, Long Beach, Seal Beach

MontanaWhitefish

New Mexico: Taos

Seven Lifestyle Profiles: 65+

Singles and Couples: Wireless Resorters, High Country Eagles and Permanent Temporaries.

Communities

Wireless Resorters

55M4T4, Golden Ponds – WRDE Distant Exurbans (Elgin, AZ)

Communities

High Country Eagles

60M4C3, Park Bench Seniors – HCESTB Small Town Borders (Palm Desert, CA)

57M4T4 Old Milltown – HCERE Rustic Eagles (Taos, NM)

58M4T4, Back Country Folks – HCERE Rustic Eagles (Whitefish, MT)

Communities

Permanent Temporaries

62M4C3, Hometown Retired – PTTC The Cutters (Eureka, CA)

59M4U3, Urban Elders – PTUT Urban Trapped (Long Beach, CA)

61M4U3, City Roots – PTUT Urban Trapped (Seal Beach, CA)

Finances: 

Request an estimate of any pension or retiree medical benefits you are eligible to receive from your employer.

Health Care:

Get educated about Medicare.

You won’t want to be penalized for signing up for basic coverage when you were supposed to, but didn’t.

Find out what’s covered and what isn’t.

Investigate all those supplemental plans you’ll need if you want vision or dental care.

Realize that you’ll have one plan while your spouse will have another.

Time Left Before Retiring – One Year

Wait, where did the time go, right?

Lifestyle: 

If you plan to start a business, draw up a detailed business plan.

Check out the 10 step process at the Small Business Administration (SBA) to get you started.

Consider all your ‘Preneurial options weighing the risks and rewards and the pros and cons before you commit your hard-earned nest egg to the vagaries of being in business for yourself.

If you want to work, check the listings at websites including RetiredBrains.com, RetirementJobs.com and SeniorJobBank.org

Finances:

Figure out how to convert your savings into a reliable stream of lifelong income.

Get a final estimate of benefits from your employer.

Don’t put it off too long or you might conveniently forget about it.

Forgetting Why You Entered the Room

Chris Erskine.  “This week marks 60 laps around the sun for me.

Sixty is pretty sexy, of course.

Sixty is AARP discounts, cruise ships and cholesterol tests.

Sixty is forgetting why you entered the room, the number of that first baseman, the name of that girl you worshiped back in high school.

The whole thing started 15-plus years ago, after our sons and daughters aged out of youth sports.

Aging Parents and Their Own Health Issues

Chris Erskine.  “Eric dodged serious cancer and has rebounded well.

Social Ties and Deep Friendships

Paul had a relapse of his cancer and with gallows humor kids about a Viking funeral on a flaming raft in Jennifer Aniston’s pool.

Posh continues her fight, as does a family friend, LP, who used to coach with me long ago.

Not far from those thoughts are recollections of another great pal, Rhymer, who died five years ago.

At 51, he was just a baby.

“Focus on the good,” Rhymer always said, even in the times when we both had to squint to find the good.

Maybe, just maybe, all you can really do is to find your own path.

Live. Love. Work. Play. Invest. Leave a Legacy.

55 Year Olds – Millennials and Empty Nests

I think it was the great subversive Tom Arnold who long ago quipped: “Kids – 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery.

 

Stuff’s changed in the sense that stuff that was bugging you, by the time you’re fifty-three, either you worked it out or you’ve just forgiven yourself and you’ve said, “Look, this is who I am.”

With the help of our knowledge bank, you can choose for variations in your new neighborhood by:

But to zero in on the best place for you you’ll have to visit and schedule time to explore potential new homes in a region.

Oh, darn!

Adult Life Stages

Women in their 50s

Chris Erskine. “Here’s the setting: Betsy’s backyard, on one of those SoCal patios right out of a magazine.

Daditude by Chris Erskine

Nearby, a waterfall.

And the woodwind sounds of Chardonnay cascading into a glass.

I’m not sure if it’s my fantasy or my worst nightmare, but I’m surrounded by successful women, 50ish and funny, half of them Stanford grads.

“Hi, I’m Chris, and I’m a bookaholic.” “Hi, Chris!”

We talk about the latest books awhile.

Erskine. “At 56, Posh still really rocks a tiara.

Plus, she still seems so young to me, so why shouldn’t she also share in such a wonderful celebration of budding femaleness?

If the budget allows, I plan to hire world-renowned contortionists.

Graduating Neighborhood Kids

Hope I don’t cry.

I’ll admit being very emotional lately.

Graduations.

Bar mitzvahs.

Quinceañeras.

All these are piling up for us.

Fearless or Flaming 50s

Gail Sheehy

Gail Sheehy called this time of life the “Fearless or Flaming 50s”.

She described it as a time of:

  • Accepting feelings of warmth and mellowing.
  • Making room for secondary interests.
  • Allowing them to blossom into serious work.
  • Approving our ethical and moral selves.
  • Finding our bliss and blessing our own life.

This Is Who I Am

Barack Obama. In Marc Maron’s “Waiting for the Punch President Obama says:

“Stuff’s changed in the sense that stuff that was bugging you, by the time you’re fifty-three, either you worked it out or you’ve just forgiven yourself and you’ve said, “Look, this is who I am.” 

By the time you get into your fifties, hopefully a lot of those have been resolved.

You’ve come to terms and come to peace with some stuff, and then some stuff you’ve just said, “Well, you know what, that’s just who I am.

I’ve got some flaws, I’ve got some strengths, and that’s okay.” 

The biggest fun I’ve had is watching my kids grow up, and they are magnificent.” pg 43-44.

50% Through Second Adulthood Stage

And, we’re about halfway through Erik Erikson’s Adulthood.

Approximate Age: Adulthood ( 40 – 64)

Significant Relationship: Household, workmates

Existential Question:  Can I make my life count?

Examples: Work, parenthood

Psychosocial Crisis: Generativity vs. Stagnation

Virtues: Care

By the time you’re in your mid-fifties your generation’s cohort splinters into 13 lifestyle segments stretching across the midlevel of status and influence.

Southwest United States – Wikitravel

Here’s a sample of lifestyles and communities where you can find neighbors in the 55+ age group in the West and Pacific Northwest.

  • Arizona: Prescott, Surprise
  • California: Indian Wells, Huntington Beach, La Mirada, St. Helena, Idyllwild, Laguna Hills, Ukiah
  • Colorado: Lakewood
  • New Mexico: Santa Fe
  • Washington: Mukilteo

Lifestyle Profiles: 55+

Singles, Couples and Empty-Nests: Wealthy Influentials, Wireless Resorters High Country Eagles and Permanent Temporaries.

Communities:

Wealthy Influentials

14M2S2, New Empty Nests -WIES Exurb Society (Indian Wells, CA)

15M2S2, Patios & Pools, Empty Nests -WIES Exurb Society (Mukilteo, WA)

26M2U1, The Cosmopolitans, Couples – WIDM Digitally Mobiles (Huntington Beach, CA)

40M3U2, Close-In Couples – WIPL Portfolio Locals (La Mirada, CA)

Wireless Resorters

28M2T2, Traditional Times, Empty Nests – WRMR Maturing Resorts (St. Helena, CA)

38M3T3, Simple Pleasures, Couples – WRRS Resort Suburbans (Idyllwild, CA)

43M3T3, Heartlanders, Couples – WRRS Resort Suburbans (Prescott. AZ)

High Country Eagles

27M2C2, Middleburg Managers, Couples – HCESC Satellite City-zens (Santa Fe, NM)

41M3C2, Sunset City Blues, Empty Nests – HCESC Satellite City-zens (Ukiah, CA)

Permanent Temporaries

21M2S3, Gray Power – PTIMM Interim Middle Managers (Laguna Hills, CA)

39M3S3, Domestic Duos – PTIMM Interim Middle Managers (Lakewood, CO)

46M3S4, Old Glories – PTSO Start Overs

49M3S4, American Classics – PTSO Start Overs (Surprise, AZ)

So what is so special about the 50s?

Gail Sheehy: “At 50, there is a new warmth and mellowing.

Friends become more important than ever; so does privacy.

Secondary interests that have been tapped earlier in life can, in middle and old age, blossom into a serious life work.

One of the great rewards of moving through the disassembling period to renewal is coming to approve of oneself ethically and morally and quite independently of other people’s standards and agenda … arrival at that final stage of adult development, in which one can give a blessing to one’s own life.”

Also during this time, a person is enjoying raising their children and participating in activities, that gives them a sense of purpose.”

Erskine.  I think it was the great subversive Tom Arnold who long ago quipped: “Kids – 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery.”

Obama. Look, hopefully every parent feels the way I do about my daughters, but I think they are spectacular. pg. 175

Now, unfortunately, they’re hitting the age where they still love me but they think I’m completely boring, and so they’ll come in, pat me on the head, talk to me for ten minutes, and they they’re gone all weekend.

They break my heart.

Now I’ve got to start thinking, “Well, what’s going to replace the fun?” pg. 176

More Than Money Could Ever Buy

Erskine.  If you have children, you’ll have everything.

To see them grow, to flourish, to graduate college, is among the sweetest joys.

The feeling you get from raising children is something money could never buy.

Which is good, because you will no longer have any.

Yes, against the odds, I’d recommend having kids.

Maybe not four at once, like their mother did, but a bunch.

Children teach us humility, servitude and to give our lives to something greater than ourselves.

In return, they’ll occasionally curl up on the couch with you at night, then mention that you look really tired, and your neck is starting to look kind of saggy.

Still, have kids. Just don’t say you weren’t warned.”

Boomerang Millennials

Erskine.  “Anyway, three of our kids are now free upon the world, yet their mishaps still find me.

Traffic tickets.

Insurance claims.

College loans they can’t quite handle.

I always warned them to never grow up … no good can come of it.

 

Wear and Tear and Manopause

Is there a better description for what males go through, kinda like what women experience in their 50s?

Erskine wrote about “manopause” when fathers become grandfathers.

When if you keep score you notice that “Four Weddings and a Funeral” reverses.

Erskine. “Then at middle-age, an actual physical fade ensues, not to mention more hair in all the wrong places.

Is that manopause or a robust virility that even time can’t take away?

It’s all in your attitude, I guess, and your awareness of male wear and tear.

So, can you make your life count?

By the time you reach your fifties it’s up to you.

Part One:  She’s Leaving Home, Not Living Alone (Buy Buy)

Part Two:  Failing at Growing Up

Part Three:  Love, Marriage, Baby Carriage, or …

Part Four:  Crisis and Pivots for 28 -32 Year Olds

Part Five:  Making It – Ages 30 – 38

Part Six:  Authenticity Crisis for 35 – 45 Year Olds

Part Seven:  Renewal or Resignation in Your Mid-40s

Renewal or Resignation in Your Mid-40s

If you’re in your forties, and you’re a man, and you haven’t been divorced at least once, there’s something up.

 

In the past I could rely on my appearances on public radio to excuse my lack of wealth

 

With the help of our knowledge bank, you can choose for variations in your new neighborhood by:

But to zero in on the best place for you you’ll have to visit and schedule time to explore potential new homes in a region.

Oh, darn!

Adult Life Stages

Part One:  She’s Leaving Home, Not Living Alone (Buy Buy)

Part Two:  Failing at Growing Up

Part Three:  Love, Marriage, Baby Carriage, or …

Part Four:  Crisis and Pivots for 28 -32 Year Olds

Part Five:  Making It – Ages 30 – 38

Part Six:  Authenticity Crisis for 35 – 45 Year Olds

Late Bloomers

Chris Erskine. Mom explained to me that I was merely a late bloomer, that life would eventually become easier.

I said, “Mom, I’m 45!”

Chris Erskine at the Los Angeles Times

She loved me anyway, perhaps the greatest test yet of a mother’s heart. See, unconditional love is one thing.

Then there’s a mother’s love, which is unconditional love with an extra spritz of love’s greatest qualities:

Devotion. Faith. Grace.

Authenticity and Adulthood

Amy Poehler.  In Marc Maron’s “Waiting for the Punch” Amy says:

“At this age, you have to find people that are already divorced.

At least once.

If you’re in your forties, and you’re a man, and you haven’t been divorced at least once, there’s something up.” pg. 142

Renewal or Resignation

On the “older side” of the Authenticity Crisis lies the rest of adulthood.

If you chose renewal when you faced your mortality, life opens to an age of mastery.

If you chose to look the other way and settle than your life feels stale.

I’m pretty sure Gail Sheehy coined “Flourishing 40s”.

A time in our life for:

  • Regaining our equilibrium.
  • Renewing our purpose
  • Making our life count at work as a parent.

Self-Acceptance

Marc Maron. “I have self-acceptance now.

Age helps.

I didn’t really grow up until I was in my late forties.

Marc Maron’s Insightful Interviews from his Wildly Successful WTF Podcast

I brought myself up pretty well.

I’m glad I never had kids.

I just didn’t want to put them through my own selfish struggle of being a grown-up.”  pg. 162

Idea of Failure

Maron: “It wasn’t until I let go of expectations and let the humility settle in as opposed to anger, self-pity, and the idea of failure that I became grounded in my body and a fucking grown-up.” pg. 280

Getting used to beginning your second stage of adulthood , you identify less with the kids who were in your high school class.

Or members of your generation’s cohort than you do with other people in your neighborhood.

And more with neighbors and friends dealing with common issues facing families, couples or empty-nesters.

 Seven 45+ Lifestyle Profiles 

Families, Couples and Empty-Nests: Wealthy Influentials and Wireless Resorters.

Goin’ Coastal on PCH

Within the top 10 (out of 64) lifestyles ranked for degree of affluence and status.

Living in:

Oregon: West Linn

Utah: Alta

Florida: Ft. Myers

California: Half Moon Bay, Seal Beach, Lake Arrowhead and Mammoth Lakes

Communities

Wealthy Influentials

01M1S1, Upper Crust, Empty-Nests – WIAE Affluently Elite (Half Moon Bay, CA)

02F1S1 Blue Blood Estates, Families – WIAE Affluently Elite (West Linn, OR)

06F1S1, Winner’s Circle, Families – WIAE Affluently Elite (Alta, UT)

07M1U1 Money & Brains, Couples – WIAE Affluently Elite (Seal Beach, CA)

10M1C1, Second City Elite, Empty-Nests – WIDM Digitally Mobiles (Ft. Myers, FL)

Communities

Wireless Resorters

05F1T1, Country Squires, Families – WRPR Premier Resorts (Lake Arrowhead, CA)

09M1T1, Big Fish, Small Pond, Empty-Nests – WRPR Premier Resorts (Mammoth Lakes, CA)

Encounters With Wealthy Influentials

John Hodgman. One of the moms in my son’s rowing classes had a long blond ponytail.

The day we dropped my son off, she introduced herself to me.

She pointed out her son, whose own blond hair had been bleached impossibly even blonder by the sun.

She explained he and the other two boys in the rowing class who were not my son had essentially grown up together every summer here in Main.

She also mentioned she had two older blond kids who are twins, brother and a sister.”

 She told me the town she lived in in Massachusetts – even more affluent and suburby suburb than Brookline.

She told me that her husband managed a hedge fund and could only get to Maine on the weekends.

“It’s so great that you can be here all the time with your kids,” she said. “What do you do?”

She had other questions.

She wanted to know:

  • Where were we staying?
  • Did we rent?
  • Or did we own?
  • How long had we been coming up?
  • How well did we know the town?” pg 166

Standard Wealth and Status Scan

Hodgman had been used to these types of encounters during his first adult development  stage in his 20s and 30s.

He even had a name for what was unfolding.

A standard wealth and status scan.

If you made the grade, you were “sufficiently human.”

And he was used to flunking.

Sheehy: “If one has refused to budge through the middle-life transition, the safety and supports will be withdrawn from the person who is standing still.

If a person is not comfortable with the way their life is progressing, they’re usually regretful about the decisions that they have made in the past and feel a sense of uselessness.

But Hodgman noticed something surprising emerged with this encounter.

Hodgman. In the past I could rely on my appearances on public radio to excuse my lack of wealth: being on This American Life is like being a monk – you may have to sleep on straw and wear the same tattered robe made of tote bags every day, but you are acceptable in polite society because you are sacrificing for a greater cause.”

But now, as she asked questions, I realized something surprising. I had answers.” pg. 166- 167

Create or stagnate

During this time people are normally settled in their life and know what is important to them.

Also during this time, a person is enjoying raising their children and participating in activities, that gives them a sense of purpose.

First House

Hodgman and his wife decide it was time to own their first home – becoming Wireless Resorters.

Hodgman. “It is a less fancy house in a less fancy town, a boatbuilding community farther out on the peninsula’s jagged coast. 

“I’m a P.C”, John Hodgman

It’s an impossible thing for your brain to absorb fully: to warp your whole emotional and financial life around the shape of this physical thing,

This new collection of problems and regrets, ants and undiscovered mold, bad drainage, and crack foundations that will be your burden until you sell it or it kills you. “pg 177

Sobering 30-Year Mortgage

Hodgman. “A thirty-year mortgage is hilarious when you are young and you don’t even remember what day it is; it’s a grim thing when you are older and see that this debt is a bright, un-ignorable line from the now of your life to its addled decline.

There is that moment at the closing meeting with the various attorneys where you realize: 

I don’t need to do this. 

I don’t need anything. 

I can run out of this office and go live in an old hollow tree stump.

But you do not walk away because if you’ve gotten this far there is only forward.

You’ve given up your apartment and gotten the loan and now you are going to trade this check with “ALL YOUR MONEY” written on it for some vague sense of progress in your life.”  pg 177 – 178

Life and Death

Maron: “That death is part of life is annoying and sad. 

Denial is childish, but I can’t think about it too much because it’s just too fucking depressing.

I choose to let myself be consumed with petty bullshit and not get too close to people.” pg. 343

Erskine. So I’m still frosted and confused over Rhymer’s death from cancer at age 51.

I’m dealing with it through this flower box.

Some guys march to different drummers, others dance to their own minor keys.

That was Rhymer.

Balboa Island Ferry – Getty Images

His favorite retreat from the stupidities of screenwriting was a little cottage near the water, an apostrophe of a place, barely even there.

At this little Newport Beach cottage he would host summer holidays, build batches of margaritas, sizzle steaks on the grill.

What a golf course was to Palmer, what Wembley was to Laver, this beach house was to Rhymer.”

Part Seven: 55 Year Olds – Millennials and Empty Nests

Authenticity Crisis for 35 – 45 Year Olds

But, as you come to grips what is important and want isn’t you embrace what your life is and will be all about as an adult.

The vast degree to which my mental health improved once I had the smallest measure of economic security immediately unmasked this shame fiction to me.

 

With the help of our knowledge bank, you can choose for variations in your new neighborhood by:

But to zero in on the best place for you you’ll have to visit and schedule time to explore potential new homes in a region.

Oh, darn!

Adult Life Stages

Part One:  She’s Leaving Home, Not Living Alone (Buy Buy)

Part Two:  Failing at Growing Up

Part Three:  Love, Marriage, Baby Carriage, or …

Part Four:  Crisis and Pivots for 28 -32 Year Olds

Part Five:  Making It – Ages 30 – 38

Mortality, Magical Thinking and Denial

Mark Maron. “I don’t want to die.

I don’t want to life forever either.

That sounds terrible. 

I have no idea what happens after we die.

Marc Maron’s Insightful Interviews from his Wildly Successful WTF Podcast

I don’t think about it much at all.

I’m guessing probably nothing.

It’s the transition from life to nothing that terrifies me. 

Being terrified of death is part of the human condition.

Depending on how you look at it in terms of accepting that it’s the one undeniable truth of life, it can be motivating or complete devastating. 

It can make you appreciate life and savor it or it can render almost everything pointless.

I fluctuate between the two, depending on how much coffee I’ve had and what petty bullshit is consuming.”  pg. 343

We have reached the halfway mark.

Yet, even as we are reaching our prime, we begin to see there is a place where it finishes.

Time starts to squeeze.

It is a time book both danger and opportunity.

If the average lifespan stretches somewhere between your 80s and 90s, then sometime in the decade between your mid-thirties to mid-40s you come to grips with your mortality.

No more magical thinking.

No more living in denial.

But, during this time people are normally settled in their life and know what is important to them.

John Hodgman. “I have rarely been as happy.

I could pay this debt, and many other actual money debts, in part because I had just made a bunch of money.” pg 128

Second Adulthood Metamorphosis

Erik Erikson’s Theory identifies the ages of 40-64 as the  second stage of adulthood.

Approximate Age: Adulthood ( 40 – 64)

Significant Relationship: Household, workmates

Existential Question:  Can I make my life count?

Examples: Work, parenthood

Psychosocial Crisis: Generativity vs. Stagnation

Virtues: Care

People either make progress in their career or the opposite.

They tread lightly in their career unsure if this is what they want to do for the rest of their working lives.

Let’s take the generatively side first.

Parenting and Purpose

Parents enjoy raising their children and participating in activities,.

Even if all else seems to go wrong, parents find a strong sense of purpose.

You’ll find families across  the United States, and throughout communities in the West.

In our lifestyle profile segmentation approach you’ll encounter six zip codes where more accomplished families reside.

Wealthy Influentials and Wireless Resorters:

Pacific Northwest Region – Wikitravel
  • Washington: Mukilteo
  • Colorado: Louisville
  • California: Santa Cruz, Naples and Rancho Santa Margarita.
  • New Hampshire: Cornish

Lifestyle Profiles: 

Ages: 35-54

Life Stages: Families

Community Neighbors:

Wealthy Influentials

12Y1C1, Brite Lites Lil City –  WIDM, Digitally Mobiles (Rancho Santa Margarita, CA)

13F2C1, Upward Bound – WIDM, Digitally Mobiles (Louisville, CO)

17F2S2, Beltway Boomers – WIES Exurb Society (Santa Cruz, CA)

18F2S2, Kids & Cul-de-Sacs – WIES Exurb Society (Mukilteo, WA)

29F2U1, American Dreams – WIPL Portfolio Locals (Naples, CA)

Community Neighbors:

Wireless Resorters

20F2T1, Fast-Track Families – WRPR Premier Resorts (Cornish, NH)

But entering adulthood doesn’t come easy for many.

Is This All There Is?

Like the end-of-your-twenties transition, the end of your thirties marks a sober transition into full adulthood.

What’s at stake?

Gail Sheehy: “We must reexamine our purposes and reevaluate how to spend our resources from now on.

Why am I doing all of this?

What do I really believe in?

No matter what we have been doing, there will be parts of our selves that have been suppressed and now need to find expression; “bad” feelings will demand acknowledgement along with the good.

Whatever rung of achievement he/she has reached, the person at 40 usually feels stale, restless, burdened and unappreciated.

He or she worries about his/her health.

He/she wonders, “is this all there is?”

Many persons in their 40s experience a major shift of emphasis away from pouring all their energies into their own advancement.

A more tender, feeling side comes into play.

They may become more  interested in developing an ethical self.

Internal Clocks Ticking

Chris Erskine.There is, in each of us, an internal clock that we start to hear ticking at 45 or 50, making us crave new things.

It ignites in us a risk-taking, sort of a second adolescence.

Get Your Kicks on Route 66

Last year, my buddy Bob took off on his motorcycle and rode through 48 states.

His whole life a banker, my pal Craig opened his first restaurant.

My college roommate Jack took up woodworking.

There is a late-in-life wanderlust in all of that, and it makes me wonder what might be next for me.”

If a person is not comfortable with the way their life is progressing, they’re usually regretful about the decisions that they have made in the past and feel a sense of uselessness.

All of us have the chance to rework the narrow identity by which we defined ourselves in the first half of life.

Authenticity Crisis

And those of us who don’t make the most of the opportunity will have a full on authenticity crisis.

  • Experiencing a fading purpose of stereotype roles.
  • Questioning absolute answers.
  • Wallowing in a midlife crisis
  • Re-examining ourselves.
  • Giving expression to our suppressed parts.
  • Shifting from a focus on advancement only.
  • Developing an ethical self.
  • Believing this is my last chance to be a success.

Maron.  “When I started the podcast I had failed.

I was in my mid-forties.

My comedy career hadn’t panned out.

I had no real prospects in my mind.  I was broke and coming out of a second childless marriage. 

I thought I was the victim for a while, but then started to see my part in my position in life.

I had to accept it and try to move on.

I had to really let it all go in my heart and just start the podcast with no expectations and no income and keep working. 

I believed I wasn’t every going to be a relevant comic and that all my opportunities were behind me.

I was old and had missed my window.” pg. 280

Do you become more practical during your second adulthood?

Absolutely.

Credit Cards and the Gig Economy

Hodgman. “I wrote for magazines and websites, and I was mostly paid in small checks and journalist swag.

But you cannot support even a small family in Manhattan with a designer chef’s knife, some mail-order beef jerky, a thornproof wax cotton jacket, or the fond memories of a junket to a Caribbean island where man shot fine tequila into my mouth from a Super Soaker. 

I don’t remember how high my credit card debt got as I continued to ignore this fact.

Many tens of thousands.” pg 128

He shares the unglamorous and behind the scenes life of a freelance writer in the gig economy.

Trying not to look at the ballooning balance on each credit card’s monthly statement.

Hodgman. “I became adept at averting my eyes from the total in shame as I paid the minimum month after month.

Credit card companies loved me. 

What my grandparents had done for my parents, what my parents had done for me, I would not be able to do for my own children.

Now at the end of the long list of squandered advantages was this house in Massachusetts, my mother’s house, which on many panicky 3 a.m. awakenings I would darkly fantasize about liquidating for cash.” pg. 129

Does Money Buy Happiness?

Ask John Hodgman.

Hodgman. Then I wrote a book, and then I went on television, and then I had money, real grown-up money. 

John Hodgman’s Humorous Take On His 20s, 30s and 40s

The vast degree to which my mental health improved once I had the smallest measure of economic security immediately unmasked this shame fiction to me.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it buys the conditions for happiness: time, occasional freedom from constant work, a moment of breath to plan for the future, and the ability to be generous.” pg. 129

And, as you come to grips what is important and want isn’t you embrace what your life is and will be all about as an adult.

But wait, there’s more!

Part Seven:  Renewal or Resignation in Your Mid-40s